My Kensho Experience of God's Compassion

During the Zen-Ignatian Retreat at Maryridge Retreat House, Tagaytay City, Philippines last March,1988 I have the following experience...

When I began the retreat with Ruben Habito, who was a newly accredited zen teacher at that time I told him of my desire to experience God's love in the course of my 30 day retreat, March 1-30, 1988. He gave me the koan Mu to work on. I then began the strenuous journey of sitting, breathing in and breathing out, plus, of course the lingering aching back and legs, while trying to silence the mind and the tense body.

During daily sitting, the Zen Master provided hints like, "every in-breath is God's self-emptying, and every out-breath is your self-offering to God." During "teisho" (Zen Talk), he reminded us all to be aware of our every act - eating, strolling, sleeping, etc. In the "dokusan" (zen student before zen teacher) room, he kept encouraging us by saying, "Just be yourself" and "Let your senses open".

During one of Ruben Habito's teisho, he talked about God's compassion. I was struck by the presentation of the compassionate God present in every being, in every breath, in every step. The challenge he threw my way was, "Now, show me God's compassion in its concrete form!"

One afternoon, during the latter part of the second week, I went down Maryridge Hill where grasses, trees, benches and a view of Taal Volcano waited. On one of the benches, I saw a moving row of grass worms. I sqatted by a bench and watched the worms slowly and quietly crawling along. Suddenly I felt something on my right leg. My right hand swept down to brush it off. When I looked down, I saw (and felt) a fellow grassworm. It was coiled, aftraid and hurt by my rejection. At that very moment, my own childhood experience of being rejected flashed in my mind. I really felt one with that worm. I tried to comfort it by placing it alongside the row of marching worms, but it remained coiled. Following my natural instinct, I got a dry leaf, slid the worm on top of it, and slowly breathed with compassion on the round stiff mass. With relief and joy, I saw the worm moved. I put it back again with its fellow worms, who made room for it and the line became perfect again. At that moment I also felt the great compassion I had received from my superiors and friends who understood and accepted me as I am.

The next day at dukusan, I told Ruben Habito about the incident, saying there seems to be a fusion of mu, my breath and God's compassion. He nodded and shot another question at me, "What's the other name of God's compassion?" When I failed to respond immediately, he rang the bell for dismissal, but encouraged me by saying that I was close to grasping Mu.

That evening, I sensed one of my fellow retreatants wanted to talk, so I listened to him as had coffee together. At dokusan the next day I told Ruben Habito that I stayed with by brother in his time of need, and so the other name of God's compassion is a loving presence. He did not say I was right or wrong, but told me he wanted a concrete response. I went back to my sitting, to my search and to my awareness of every moment.

Later, during one of our sits, Ruben Habito uttered in a loud voice, "Every breath is full and complete...Every breath is God's compassion received and given." I began anew to put my whole self and whole being into every step of the kinhin (zen meditative walk) that followed. I began to realize the fullness of it all. Every step is as ordinary as myself, and as perfect as myself. At that very moment, I became aware that God's compassion is Bobby doing every act as full, completely full, but at the same time completely empty.

This experience was heightened the next afternoon. I was sitting under a tree when my eye fell on a fallen leaf. Instantaneously, there was complete identification, and I went right to Ruben Habito and told him the other name of God's compassion. He threw out some more koans, and when I responded without hesitation, he confirmed my "kensho" (zen awakening) experience. All creation walked with me the rest of the day. I savored the beauty of that reality.

In subsequent dokusan, I was confronted with the koan about the origin of Mu. It was evening and I was tired, and I did not want even to think about the answer, knowing that a direct concrete grasp of it is the Zen way of getting it. When I turned off the light in my room before retiring, I noticed how bright the moonlight was. I went to the window and there she was smiling at me. I asked her what her origin is. Her answer enveloped me completely. I returned her smile and went to bed.

When I went to dokusan the next day, I let myself be one with the moon and her response, and Ruben Habito joined me in the smile. He did, however, asked me to save one dying child in Africa. And that night as I went to bed again, in the clear moonlight, all the world joined me and I rested fully as I am.

I am most grateful for my experience which I can best describe as one of undifferentiation, as the Zen books say. I am not different from the universe. And in just doing every act as best I can in full awareness, I am receiving and giving God's compassion to all people. - Bobby Sagra